Finding me

Do you remember a time in your life when you really felt like you? Not something that someone else expected you to be, or worse, who you thought you should should be.

I have been on a bit of a mini adventure in the last week, hence my lack of blogging. Whilst I have known for some time now that the key to happiness is to look within, I'm the plumber who has no trouble fixing other people leaks and dripping taps, yet at home...........!

Everywhere I look, I am reminded that I need to turn everything back on myself and discover who I really am. Even more scarily, according to those who already "get it", I have to learn to love myself!

Most of us know that there is no one in this world who can fill the void we might feel, that sense of something missing. I do know that we don't "need" someone, and I do know that we can't expect anyone to love us unless we can love ourselves first. Yes yes yes, I get that bit, but understanding how to love yourself is for me, akin to being told to learn ancient Hebrew without any books!

Still, I guess it was a start just understanding that this was my task. I have an all knowing girlfriend in London who has learnt this language. This week, she explained in plain English what I needed to do.

"Once you get it Lizzie, it's like learning to drive, when you get the whole steering wheel,pedals,gear thing - you never forget"! Well, that's good news, I mused, just need to find the right formula. But, as I'm digesting this, something struck a cord. My friend tells me I need to go back to a time when I felt like me, the real me. As I lay on the sofa, I felt the strangest feeling, it was as if I had landed back in my body for the first time in ages. I started to remember being a little girl, when I was just happy with life, and my surroundings. I realised that holding on to that moment had the most profound effect on me.

The next day, I dropped into one of my favourite shops, The Chrystal Shop in Bury St Edmunds. The energy from all the different crystals is almost tangible, and as soon as a friend and I walked in we felt it. Cosmo, the owner, asked me how I was doing. With a huge sigh I found myself sitting on the floor telling him about the blocks in my life, my quest to falling in love with myself and the boredom of attracting people who seem to make it their vocation to emotionally attack me.

"They are just your mirrors, Lizzie. They just remind you that you don't like things about yourself". He handed me a pack of cards and asked me to pick one. As I closed my eyes I commented that I could see the colour red so strongly, as I pulled out my card and turned it over it was indeed bright red and the title was fire. Cosmo explained its meaning - letting go of elements in my past, that keep me back and accepting that I was about to go on the biggest change in my life yet.

Saturday brought the final leg of my adventure, I met up with a new friend, Laura. We met for the day at Ickworth House, over six hours we drank gallons of tea, and talked and talked and talked. We had briefly met in Norfolk last summer, but it seemed that the Universe wanted us to wait a while before we finally got together. It was worth the wait, we discovered the most extraordinary coincidences between us, and both agreed there was a reason why we had met. At times during the day we believed that something strange was going to happen. However, there were no arresting moments, although there seemed to be an understanding between us that we that made me feel as if Enid Blyton had moved into the realms of spirituality. We have already spoken again and we both know that there is so much more to come.

There are times when I love being someone else apart from Lizzie. Yesterday, I was Mummy and opening my beautiful homemade presents from my daughter was wonderful. The effort she had made in my card was so touching. Even my 18 year old son remembered. So thank you my gorgeous children who I love so much. Now I just have to love me.