Dreams?

I was deeply touched hearing from someone who took the time to tell me how much they enjoyed reading my blogs! Thank you!

I have found myself reading so much about love recently, it's everywhere and yet no where! I have essentially been on my own for three years now and it hasn't been easy. But I have to admit that the thought of living on my own was much more terrifying than actually doing it. I learnt from someone a while back that there is a danger of becoming totally self absorbed and reclusive if you do this for too long. I am blessed that whilst my evenings are mostly spent with me, myself and I, no matter how annoying picking up Barbies or tripping over trainers are, it's a blessing to share my home with my children.

So many clients have asked for help in resolving the issue of feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship. I have looked into the eyes of women in their 70's who spent their whole life attending to the needs of a man who treated them with indifference at best and indignity and abuse at worst. The guilt and shame these poor souls felt at the prospect of leaving both then and now was far too great, and the idea that they may in fact deserve some happiness themselves was absolutely out of the question.

Many times, I have implored people with broken hearts and broken dreams to move on and understand that we all deserve a shot at happiness. And often I hear the reply"I am not as strong as you Lizzie".

For the record I am not strong, I am scared. In fact, I am terrified that one day when I reach the end of this life, and as I reflect back on how it was for me, I will ask one simple question. Did I give myself the best shot at life? Did I allow myself the chance to find love, real love. Love that is unconditional on both sides, love that involves two people looking in the same direction and sharing the same journey with the same understanding on life. Love that needs no words, yet knows everything just with a look. Even if the universe only gives that to me for one day it is better than never having had that experience.

Venerability can be your strength, and in fact those who I have met who have lived in fear have in turn also given me strength. Is it a crazy notion for a person like me, to imagine that one day someone will look me in the eye and say "I love you" and mean it from depth of their soul? Maybe, but this is my dream and I am not going to leave this life wondering if I could have been right.

Good grief

It's been weeks and weeks now since I last wrote on here. I would love to say that my life has been hurtling along and has one big party.....hmmmm! Yes well back to reality, and as ever life has been the usual soap opera.

I have finally made the decision to file for divorce, I wish I could say that it was a considered decision but sadly I reached a point where I felt I had no choice. Letting go is one of my life lessons that I still struggle with, and yet it seems the Universe is hell bent on making sure I conquer this one.

I have finally realised that I deserve to be loved and cherished, to be appreciated and respected and if I cant have that then I am happy to just be with my children and enjoy life on my own.

Learning to love yourself is the hardest thing in the world to do and it was pointed out by an amazing healer I met that I have allowed too many people that I cared about to take energy away from me, to take a piece away from my heart leaving me with a gaping hole.

This healer told me to rise above them and recognise who I was and I finally got it! I GOT IT!! I made a decision to stop abusing my body and stopped smoking, and drinking coffee, started to eat well and load myself up with vitamins, and be kind to myself. I now only surround myself now with people who genuinely love and care about me, and it feels good!

I am gritting my teeth as I go through this, and when the waves of emotion hit me I have learnt to let it happen. Grieving is a process we all go through at some time in our lives. And you can only feel the fear and do it anyway. I have put off grieving my marriage for too long, and now its time to face up to it. I know I will have days when the pain will really bloody hurt. But, I also know that when I come out of this on the other side I will be a stronger and wiser soul.

I will have learnt more lessons to add to my life journal and I have to keep believing that one day I will find true love.